Topher's Slag Bag
Topher's Slag Bag: your questions, answered without flinching
Something we have learned fairly quickly at Outcast World is that the moment you create a space for queer people to ask questions without embarrassment, they take you up on it immediately and with considerable enthusiasm. The DMs have been coming in from the UK and, increasingly, from the United States, where roughly forty-five percent of our listeners are now based, which tells you something about the appetite for content that talks about queer life with honesty rather than sanitised lifestyle branding.
So. Topher Taylor, Outcast World regular, sex and relationships expert, and someone who brings the same forensic commitment to answering your questions about toys and threesomes that he brings to everything else, is here to help. Welcome to Topher's Slag Bag.
"I've met a guy who's incredible in bed, but he wants to bring toys into it and I've never gone near any of that. Where do I even start without panic buying the entire shop?" (UK)
Topher's first word on this was "patronise yourself," which is counterintuitive advice until he explains it. The most common mistake people make when they first explore toys is going in at the deep end, either because they underestimate how different the experience is from what they already know, or because their ambition runs ahead of their body. "Start with very, very basic, simple stuff always," he said. "Use that as your base. What happens a lot with toys is people use something that's way too much for them, or they just don't like it, and they think they don't like toys in general. No. You just jumped in the wrong end of the pool."
If you are exploring anally, a small butt plug or a modest prostate massager is the starting point, and you build from there once you know what sensations you are working with. The conversation with your partner matters as much as the choice of product. "Just tell them: I've never really tried, I'm totally down to do this, but just FYI, I've never done it before," Topher said. "Sex toys in partnerships are such a good way to build your sex life, because you go on an adventure together. It's a real bonding experience."
Need specific recommendations? DM Topher directly.
"Is it normal that I can only finish a certain way? My new guy thinks it's hilarious, not in a mean way, but now I'm self-conscious. Is everyone secretly weird in bed?" (Sacramento, USA)
Short answer: yes, broadly. Slightly longer answer: what you are almost certainly describing is a trained masturbation response, which is far more common than the silence around it would suggest.
"Usually when someone can only finish a certain way, it comes down to their masturbation routine," Topher said. "If you're wanking in a certain way, at a certain speed, with a dry hand, you can't replicate that with someone's body unless you're Superman." The good news is that this is trainable. A masturbator, used properly, is the standard recommendation: mount it, do not use your hand alongside it, and essentially teach your body that finishing does not require the specific grip it has learned to expect.
The other thing worth saying is that your guy being entertained by it rather than frustrated is a good sign. You have a partner who is engaged and not making you feel bad. That is an excellent starting position from which to have a very straightforward conversation about what works for you.
"I've been hooking up with a lad who is, let's say, very generously built. I want to take things further but I'm worried about the logistics and the prep. Google has frightened me." (Nottingham)
Google is frightening about this, and it should not be. Put the search engine down.
The practical answer covers diet, douching and lubricant, in roughly that order of importance. Psyllium husk, the fibre supplement, is Topher's consistent recommendation because it firms rather than loosens, which means less residue and easier, more effective douching. Caffeine and alcohol before sex are worth avoiding if you can. Pay attention to how your body responds to specific foods, because everyone is different and you will learn your own patterns quickly.
On douching: do it properly, do not over-do it, and give your body time to release the water fully before you get started. On lube: reapplication matters more than the initial amount. Topher's personal preference is silicone, but for anyone new to this, a water-based silicone hybrid creates more of a buffer and tends to be more forgiving.
"Practice makes perfect," he said, "and take it slow. Lots of lubricant. And if you're so nervous about an accident that you're not actually enjoying the sex, then maybe tonight's not the night." Anxiety and arousal are not compatible, and no amount of preparation is a substitute for being relaxed enough to be present.
Size, for the avoidance of doubt, is not the obstacle it might appear. As was noted during the episode, with a nod to a certain drama series: it will fit.
"My boyfriend and I want to try a threesome. Neither of us has done it before and I'm terrified about jealousy ruining everything before anyone's even undressed. How do we have the conversation without it turning into a fight?" (Portland, USA)
Topher, by his own admission, is not the ideal guide here, being constitutionally unsuited to non-monogamy and self-aware enough to say so. "I was cheated on in my first relationship. It traumatised me. I'm still working through it." His honest recommendation is to seek out genuinely expert voices: Ali Eisman's work on non-monogamy is the specific referral, and there are entire podcast series dedicated to navigating this well.
What he and I can offer from lived experience is this: if you do go ahead, the conversation beforehand matters more than any rule you write down. Be honest about what you are actually worried about, not just what sounds reasonable. And in the room, if and when you get there, a certain calibrated attentiveness to your partner is the right note, attentive enough that they feel seen, not so attentive that the third person clocks there is a running emotional audit happening and finds somewhere else to be. "Check in, make sure it's good, and then leave it at that," is how I put it.
The jealousy question is usually less about the act and more about what it represents. Know what you are actually asking each other before you ask it of anyone else.
